Tastes like her
by cythill
Summary: This is a spin-off to the story 'Tastes like gall'. It illuminates Alex's side of the story.
1. Chapter 1

**It took me a while, but, as promised, I'm gonna start the spin-off to Tastes like gall now. I haven't really decided, yet, if I'm gonna write the whole story in Alex's perspective or if I just pick what I think is really interesting. If you have a wish for a special scene or chapter to be written in Alex's POV you can tell me and I'll try.**

 **The chapters will probably not be in chronological order but I'll make sure that you can always sort it into the storyline.**

 **Furthermore this is not a try to excuse any of Alex's actions, most of those chapters and scenes that I will publish I had already partly written or had them in my head while writing Tastes like gall. They were meant for me to understand my own characters, but now I want to write them down and share them with you. I hope you'll enjoy :)**

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Alex's side of Chapter 1

Alex was looking at her sister in disgust. She hated seeing her bullying younger or weaker students, especially this one.

The way Nicky's disciples followed her like lemmings would have been funny, if it hadn't been so pathetic and now they gathered around in a circle like spectators of a car accident. Alex prefered to stay out of the drama and not look when some random poor kid was getting harrassed, she couldn't stand it.

Instead she stood apart, leaned her back against a locker and kept reading in the book she found on a garage sale. She had become pretty good in playing blind and deaf to anything going on around her, avoiding the feeling of her own deficiency when it came to having balls and standing up for others.

She stayed there, preteding to read even after Nicky an the others had left for class, her eyes wandered from her book to the blonde girl that had started collecting her notes and books from the floor, and who's hair looked like she had been running through a typhoon. That girl had the nervous habit to run her hands through her hair, especially when she was stressed or when Nicky was around. It was kind of adorable, though Alex didn't think that Piper even noticed that she was doing it.

The raven haired girl's hands started tingleing, she wanted to help the girl, wanted to sit down beside her to collect her notes and maybe accidently, unintentionaly touch her hand, but at the same time she was embarrassed by her own thoughts and feelings. She had no idea what was wrong with her lately.

Luckily for her, before she could do anything stupid right here in public this guy stepped in, preventing the blonde from getting burried under a stack of schoolbooks.

She threw a last look at them, saw Piper's grateful though also awkward smile and felt a little sting in her heart. This was not normal anymore and she turned away to leave the hallways and go to class, angry with her own stupid heart.

She had had these kind of strange feelings quite for a while now and she didn't even know why, because Piper was surely not a kind of girl that Alex would normaly spend her time with, a spoiled rich girl who had no clue how it was to live up to the lowest possible expectations in a world where money is short and the oppotunities are rare.

The girls Alex normally hooked up with were highschool dropouts or girls that lived their live just like she did. And never ever before had she cared about who the girl was that she was spending the night with.

Piper was being late, but other than herself nobody seemed to notice.

When she finally came in she looked so uncomfortable that Alex had to turn her face, instead she kept on reading Hesse's 'Demian', at least she tried to, but the words didn't reach her mind.

Normally she managed to ignore Piper throughout the lesson, but today her voice rang in her head quite too often. Healy didn't stopp tortuting the poor girl and it made Alex hate him even more than she already did. He was a homophobic idiot who kept trying to forbid gay relationships on campus and there had been more than one bad breakup in this school because the old angry teacher had outed students to their parents.

„Miss Chapman'"

Piper looked like her heart was dropping to her kneepits, her eyes widenen but she kept staring on the floor like she hadn't heard him saying her name, but clearly she had and Alex felt a little bit guilty.

„Miss Chapman, please come to my desk. You too." Healy nodded towards her seat while she had put her feet on the table, playing the hardcore badass that couldn't care less about being almost alone in a room with the blonde shy beauty. It took her all her strength to walk towards the front of the classroom as slow and bored as possible.

The fear in Piper's eyes, hit Alex like a bulldozer, of course she could understand why Piper must feel this way about her, but she still didn't want to see the Horror was rising in Piper's eyes. She didn't want to be the reason for this.

'Miss Chapman!' Healy barked impatiently when Piper hadn't moved a bit yet. She slowly walked through the now empty classroom towards the front desk and Alex kept playing cool, she smirked at the girl, trying to communicate with her, trying to tell her how annoying this Healy guy was. Standing next to this petit girl made her incredibly nervous. But she had trained to hide her feelings, no matter what they were, for all her life and she was incredibly good at it.

Mr. Healy turned his gaze towards Piper, waiting before he started to speak, as if he wanted to intesify the tension on dramatic purpose.

„Miss Chapman, I've been told you've been taking part in the highly recommended tutoring programm in our local middle school. You're one of my best students"

Alex rolled her eyes, she knew that Piper was good in class and that she was going to be visiting one of the elite colleges and even though that was something she could now profit from, it still was frustrating to be reminded of the lack of her own opportunities in life.

Piper had seen her rolling her eyes and Alex felt immediatley sorry.

„And since your grades are always remarkable and you are experienced in tutoring and Miss Vause here is struggling right now not to fail class'"

Alex took her glasses of her nose, trying to keep her hands busy and trying to pretend like all of this couldn't be less interesting to her. While in fact she had been the one who had asked Healy to arrange the tutoring lessons with Piper, not because she really wanted tutoring, she just needed to get to know this girl, for whatever this meant.

„Wait. What? No." Ouch. It hit Alex like a fist in the stomach and from living with her sister she knew exactly how that felt.

„Miss Chapman. Your attitude leaves a lot to be desired right now and I really don't think your behaviour is appropropriate for a future Harvard student. At Harvard they expect more from their students than good grades, I guess you are aware of that fact.'"

Piper didn't answer anymore, while Alex hadn't said a single word, yet.

After a few seconds Healy clapped in his stupid hands, as if he needed even more attention. Alex hated his guts, the way he talked with Piper, like he was her father, was making her fume on the inside, especially since Piper looked really agonized.

„Ladies, may I consider this problem as solved now? Miss Vause?" he gazed at her with his ugly grimace that he always had when he tried to be taken seriously, he was such a wuss. Alex just smirked, she wanted to provokate him, but he just ignored it.

„Miss Chapman?"

„Yes, Mr. Healy." Piper mumbled and Alex felt kind of bad for forcing her into this, but at least Healy hadn't revealed who's idea this whole thing had really been.

Now they were alone, standing in the hallway and Alex's chance to talk with her, privatly, without spectators had finally come. What should she say now? She normally wasn't someone who was at a loss of words, but now words were failing her.

„So it's you and me, I guess." she said stupidly, her voice coming out surprisingly chill and she was so glad that she was able to keep it together.

Out of a sudden Piper started running, stumlbing into the bathroom and the door shut close behind her. Alex wanted to follow, wanted to talk to her but when she reached the door she heard the sound of Piper vomiting and figured that nobody was very fond of being watched puking by some stranger and so she decided to go to the cafeteria and join her sister's gang before Nicky started asking questions.

But of course Nicky asked questions, she was a nosy, control addicted person, who rarely did things go by unquestioned. She always claimed it was because she loved her little sister and wanted to keep an eye on her, but Alex was sure that Nicky was just really afraid of Alex turning her back on her some day, because underneath her coldhearted mean girl surface she was just a scared, lonely teen.

„Where have you been?" Nicky whispered, when the taller girl sat down beside her, of course she didn't let anybody hear her. Nicky had to keep her front upright, she could not risk seeming weak by worrying or controlling her little sister. Actually there were very little people who even knew about their relatedness.

„Healy wanted something." Alex whispered honestly, not looking Nicky in the eye.

„This sicko? Did he want … huh?!" Nicky widened her eyes, rising her eyebrows, like they both had learned from their mum.

The thought alone grossed Alex out, she shook herself in digust „Ew, no. He wanted me to get tutoring lessons."

But in Nicky's eyes tutoring lessons were nearly as bad as the other thing she was thinking about it seemed. Her grades in school were just as bad as Alex's, but other than her Nicky really didn't care.

„Tutoring lessons. By whom?"

„Nobody we know." Alex lied, while digging her fork into the strange looking fries on the plate in front of her. At least Nicky had brought her food.

Nicky scrunched her nose „Such a bullshit. You won't do it, right?" she asked sceptically.

Shrugging her shoulders, Alex began to eat. „I guess I will, mum will be happy about it."

In that second Nicky's most faithful follower who always stared at her and followed her everywhere, tried to catch her attention.  
„What are the two of you whispering about?" she aksed. But Nicky, who barely was ever nice to Tricia got pissed immediately.  
„Worry about your own stuff. I'm sure you'll have enough to do with that."

During the last lesson of the day it wasn't any easier to resist staring at Piper. She loved the way Piper ran her fingers through her hair and everytime she did it, you could see the tiny little hair in her neck.

Loved? Woah. Alex shook her head over herself, she never used the word love, because love is stupid and pathetic, but she really did like watching Piper during class, the only problem was that today Piper kept nearly catching her staring.

Every few minutes Piper turned her head inconspiciously in her direction, pretending like her neck hurt or she had to look at the clock on the back wall, nobody noticed, but Alex did and she hardly managed to turn her gaze in time, staring in her book or just simply closing her eyes. Gosh, this was getting ridiculous and it was only a question of time until Nicky found out if she didn't try to be a little more careful.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex's side of Chapter 4

She had been waiting for 10 minutes already and had turned from a jittery teen to a nervous wreck and her heart sunk into her pants. She was sure Piper wouldn't come anymore and therefore all her ridiculous hopes crashed like a shot airplane and burned to ashes, like the tip of her cigarette.

She hated the fact that she was smoking, hated how it was swallowing every little money she had. But she had let Nicky pressure her into starting when she was only 12 and now she couldn't manage to stop it, escpecially when her feelings that she always tried to force down beneath the heavy dark veil that covered her soul, threatened to overwhelm her.

'Alex, if you love me, you can't embarrass me so take the fucking cigarette!'

She pressed the tip of the glowing stick in the skanky sink and in that very second the bathroom door opened. Alex's hands were so sweaty and she tried to hide it by crossing her arms in front of her chest, she was relieved that Piper had come, that after all she might not hate her but at she same time it made her furious how selfconscious this girl could make her. She was angry at herself but she didn't want to admit that to anyone, including her very own person.

"You're late." Alex barked.

She wanted to hear an apology, an explanation, wanted to hear that Piper didn't left her here waiting on purpose but Piper didn't say a word, she just stared at her and Alex felt like she was trying to challenge her. Now she was getting really angry.

"You're playing hard to get or what?" Her voice was sharp like a knife, sharper than she had intended, but at least she managed to keep her true feelings underneat her angry surface.

When Piper still hadn't said anything, Alex shook her head angrily "First you let me stand in the hallway, then you don't answer my text and now you let me wait for you like an idiot?"

She couldn't believe how she was making a fool out of herself, it was so embarrassing and Piper surely had already guessed Alex's real intentions behind those fake tutoring lessons.

"Fuck it!" Alex groaned, trying to get out of there with at least a little bit of her dignity "If you think you're too good for this, I'll find someone else!" she said, and she didn't mean the lessons.

She rushed past Piper, hitting her shoulder hard with her's on her way to the door. She had wanted to hurt her and felt suddenly shockingly reminded of her sister. She hated herself right now.

But Piper grabbed her at the wrist right before she could leave, a flash shooting through Alex's body at the touch, it felt like electricity shocking her nerves but as sudden as she had touched her as sudden she let go of her hand again and for a second Alex thought she had only imagined it.

She had turned around at the touch and was facing Piper now, she could smell the shampoo in those soft blonde hair and it took all she had not to touch her face. She stared at her lips, biting down on her own. They were standing close enough so that she wouldn't have to move more than her head to kiss her. She turned her gaze away.

"I'm sorry ok. I'll do it!" Piper whispered so silent that Alex could hardly hear her. She was relieved but at the same time she just wished that things were different. That she didn't have to meet the girl she wanted in an skanky bathroom, forcing her to give her lessons instead of asking her out like a honoreable girl.

'Alex, if you love me you can't embarrass me!'

When the schoolbell rang in the next lesson they still stood there and Alex still held the door open, making sure she wouldn't do something tremendously stupid, while being extremely aware of the physical presence of the girl right on front of her.

She heard the first students passing the bathroom door and immediately got scared, if Nicky would get notice from her little meet up in here, she would probably beat the shit out of Piper and then her.

'Alex, you do love me, right? I mean I'm your sister. What is more important to you? Me or some rich girl?' she could almost hear Nicky's voice.

"Here after school?" She didn't wait for Piper to answer, didn't want to give her the chance to say no and slipped out of the door as fast as possible.

Alex would have had her stupid business class now, but since Piper wasn't in that course there was no point in going. Instead she joined Nicky and her minions on the roof of the gym, on of their skipping class areas.

Nicky had made a big deal today, unlike Alex she had no qualms about selling drugs to increase her money and now they were smoking joints behind the smokestack of the schoolgym. Alex hated weed even more than her cigarettes, hated how they made her feel, and most times she could resist Nicky's pressuring by just lightning herself a cigarette instead, but today she needed something to calm her nerves and so she outstretched her hand, before someone could even offer her something.

Weed could calm her down immediately, making her numb. Normally she hated the numbness, even if she didn't want to live all her feelings she at least wanted to know what they were and be able to controll them. But today she craved for a little relaxing, forgetting her little foolish heart, that still beated like crazy from the touch of Piper's hand.

Piper. She didn't even know her, yet. Hadn't talked to her more than three words, but ever since she had first seen her eyes, widened in fear when Nicky pushed her against a locker on the first day of highschool, she had been inevitable to her. Unexplainably so.

She had tried to forget her. Had tred to ignore her and finally she had tried catch her alone to talk to her for the past couple of weeks, but she had barely found her in the hallways unless Nicky was close by and when she did, she hadn't manage to find bravery.

Now she closed her eyes, the chatter of the other girls were just a distinct background like waves of the ocean and eventually she drifted into sleep.

„Al? Yo, she's so stoned." Alex woke up in panic, she had no idea what time it was and how she had been asleep.

„Look at her." Of course it was Tricia who tried to land another joke, but Nicky immediately shut her up. In contrast to her behaviour towards others, Nicky was always protective of her sister, noone was aloud to say a bad word about her, noone but herself of course.

„I gotta go." Alex mumbled, before rushing to stand up and stumbling in the direciton of the schoolbuilding. She didn't look Nicky in the eye, she wanted to avoid all those questions in her look that Nicky would never ask in front of the group, but Alex could have seen them if she had looked.

"I'm sorry" Alex said, after she had slid into the bathroom where they had been appointed. Her voice was even rougher than usual, a side effect from the spliff. "Can we start?" Alex tried to sound light-hearted, not letting her nervousness show.

"In here?" Piper's voice sounded so shocked, it was adorable. Alex started pretending to examine the room professionally and then broke out laughing.

"Do you know another place?" Piper asked after a few seconds and just like that she ghad given Alex the final key word to make her decision very easy. She had been thinking if she wanted to take the blonde to her safe place. After all she barely knew the girl and she had no idea how this all was going to work out and this was the only spot where she could relax sometimes after school when she wanted to avoid her sister and home in generally. She often came there when she knew Nicky would be mad at her for some reason and she stayed until she had to go to her bloody job. But Piper seemed so pure of heart and she seemed like she could realy need a safe place too.

"Yeah. I know something"

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 **Hey guys, so I know these chapters are pretty short so far and I really intended to make this one longer, but that would have meant you would have to wait longer for it. So I hope you can forgive me ;)**

 **To the dear guest who asked me for the one shot: I am trying to. I already started it but I don't know how long it will take as I am also working on this story and I also have a lot of other stuff on my plate. So I hope you can wait a little longer, I will definitely write and publish it, I promise! As long I really hope you'll be feeling better soon :) Lot's of love.**

 **Thanks to all the great great people, who are still reading, following, reviewing. XXX**


	3. Chapter 3

**Alex's first memory**

„„Al, baby, come down here. We wanna go."

My mum yelled up the stairs to where my room was. I had just been finishing my birthday present for Nicky, it was a drawing of Stevie, our little and pretty ugly tomcat that me and Nicky had gotten from Mum.

„Al come on or I'm gonna get you."

Even back then I had always wanted my mum to be as happy as possible and when she yelled up, sounding stressed as fuck but still trying to be all joking and stuff I tried to hurry downstairs to make us not get late.

Well I'm sure I didn't exactly think like that back then but something like that must have crossed my mind, because I remember nearly falling down the stairs because I was too small to reach the railing properly. But falling would have been okay, as long as my mum wouldn't sound so stressed.

I guess I didn't quite realize that falling down those stupid stairs would have made everything worse for her.

„Hey little." She kneeled down in front of me even though we were late already and she stroked my hair. „I'm sorry that there is so little time for you right now. It'll be better once Nicky is back home, I promise."  
„I'm not little." I pouted, being the small child was kind of annoying because that meant Nicky was always right about everything because she was the older one and knew so much more, at least that was what both of us thought.

„Mummy, come on Nicky's gonna be mad if we're late."

Back then I didn't understand why my mother was smiling so sadly at me, today I know or at least I guess that it was more than nostalgia because her little girl was getting way too responsible for her age, it was also sorry because I was so used to stand in the back that I didn't even notice it anymore.

I loved it when she grabbed me under my armpits and lifted me onto the kitchen isle to tie my shoelaces, I remember exactly how it felt: protected, safe, familiar and as if I was the princess of the world, even though I never understood the concept of being a princess.

Sitting around, waiting for your prince who is allowed to do all the cool stuff like riding and fighting while you have to only be pretty, I think even at the age of four I was too gay for that.

But I liked being my mum's princess.

One of the cool things about Nicky being at the hospital was that I was allowed to sit on the front seat in the car. In my child car seat I was tall enough to look over the hood onto the road and the white stripes on the street that flew past us like space objects.

I knew the inside of that hospital like the back of my hand and as soon as we arrived there I started running through the white halls and up the stairs.

„Alex, no running!" Mum yelled after me but I didn't listen and immediately bumped into a white gown.

„Oh, hey Alexandra." Ugh I hated that name back then as much as I hate it today, it sounds so girly.

„Hello Doctor Warren." I whispered, sighing frustatedly. Now I had to wait for my mother to catch up and talk to that Doctor before I could finally see my cartoon. That was the main reason I was in a hurry, because Nicky had a TV in her hospital room and our favourite cartoon, that we were never able to see at home because we had no TV, was about to start any second.

„Miss Vause."

I had never understood how adults survived, I thought it must be so boring to talk all the time and never be able to play with cool toys and watch awesome cartoons. I remember always pitying the adults on christmas when all they got was boring stuff like socks or even worse: kitchenware, no toys, no things you could show your friends. So when my mum and that Doctor were starting to talk, I instantly got bored and impatient.

After something about what felt like at least two years later I was too annoyed with waiting for mum to finish talking that I decided to just go in and join Nicky.

I was able to reach the doorhandle all by myself already and I was already a tiny little bit taller than Nicky, who was lying in bed all pale and tired, but that was just how she always looked. Kicking my shoes off my feet I climbed onto her bed, snuggling up to her. The cartoon had already started and I was pissed at my mum for taking so long.

„Where's mum?" Nicky asked, not even bothering to say hello, just like me.

I wanted her to be quiet so I was able to listen to the TV, but it was her birthday and she was sick so I was suppossed to be nice to her.

„Talking with the Doctor. Oh happy birthday by the way." I fumbled out the drawing I had made for her out of my pocket and handed it over to her and I also gave her a kiss on her cheek.

We didn't bother to do any more birthday cliches, birthday was not very special when you were lying in a hospital bed or at home in your own bed, too weak to get up and go out. All in all I remember only one birthday that we actually celebrated before she got 10. It was her ninth birthday and she was already on the waiting list for a heart transplant, she was feeling worse than on any other birthday before but mum took us to the zoo that day, Nicky sitting in a wheelchair. Back then that hadn't made any sense to me but now I get that she was afraid this was gonna be her last birthday.

We also never celebrated my birthdays, I never wanted to because I knew it would make Nicky feel bad.

„Oh come on girls. Not this turtle nonsense again." Mum sighed, when she came in.

I think that we both loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles was a pretty strong sign that we were gay right from the start. It was one of the rare things Nicky and I had in common, the being gay thing and the ninja turtles.

But I always liked Leonardo best, he was the oldest and strongest, he always knew what he did, while Nicky was totally rooting for Raphael, he was a doer, a man of action, he was the cool one.

„Happy birthday, my love." Mum kissed Nicky on the head and I remember thinking that it was kind of unfair that she was Mum's love and I was her little. But I was healthy and she was sick so what did I know about fairness.

„Mum, shhh."

When the cartoon was over, Mum went to the nurses to talk about something else, boring adult stuff probably. She left us alone and Nicky sighed deeply beside me.

„You okay?" I asked, being the innocent, yet taught to be responsible and caring child.

Nicky was already six and I thought she was the smartest person I knew, so when she said

„I think I'm gonna die." I believed her.

A four year old shouldn't know what dying was, but in those years that we had been in and out of hospital we had seen many children dying, they were gone and their parents were crying a lot. That was what death meant to me, crying and being gone. Pretty accurate.

„Remember Ty?"

I shrugged my shoulder, I didn't remember him. I don't remember him today.

„He died last month."

I tried hard to remember but I just couldn't recall a boy called Ty.

„He had the same disease I have and he died in surgery." Nicky was scaring me, I didn't want my mum to cry and I didn't want Nicky to be gone. She had waited to tell me this until she knew mum was gone long enough to not overhear us talking.

„So when I'm dead you can have my Ninja poster, okay?"

She had a poster of all the Ninja turtles haning over her bed at home and I envied her for that, I think she had gotten it from a nurse or a mother of some other sick child and I had been jealous that I wasn't the one being sick, so when Nicky offered me her poster in case of her death I started thinking.

Should I hope now that Nicky survived or should I hope that I get that poster. I pondered but I didn't come to a solution right away, only when I saw the tears in my older sister's eyes I realized she would miss that poster if she were dead.

„No Nicky, that is your's, but can I have the chocolate bar you hide in your nightstand, if you die?"

Nicky nodded and hugged me tight, I could feel her tears dropping onto my wrist as she cried silent tears.

„Hey and if you survive, maybe we could share it."

That was me, always trying to negotiate but it actually made Nicky smile a little bit.

If only I could forget the bizarre mask of a smile written in a scared, fearful children's face.

We stayed in that hug and I remember that I thought I didn't want that stupid chocolate, I wanted Nicky to stay with me, she was my big sister.

„Does it hurt when they cut you open?" I didn't remember the last time Nicky was getting surgery, the last huge one was when she was my age, mum had told me but she had also had a smaller one in between those two.

„No" Nicky said, I was now holding her instead of the other way round. „Not during the surgery. But it hurts afterwards."

Again my sister knew so much more han me, the thought of someone cutting her into two halfs (that was how I was imagining it) was terrifying me and that Nicky had survived that twice already was making me respect her even more. She was my hero, a small, weak, skinny version of a hero.

A surgery was an awful birthday present and when they brought her into the OR I saw my mother crying. Surprisingly I hadn't seen her crying as often as you'd think, she always tried to hide that in front of me, but even today I remember the sounds of her tears coming out of her bedroom at night when she thought I was asleep.

The surgery didn't go as well as hoped. The patches weren't working on the cicatrised tissue and she had lost lot's of blood. She had spent a whole year at hospital afterwards.

After that year we had to sell our house because we couldn't afford it any longer."

„That is your first memory?" Piper's eyes were wide open and in shock as they were lying with their backs on the grass, staring into the blue sky.

Alex felt like what she had told wasn't her story, she had never told anyone about that memory and doing it now was like talking about a book or television show, it was so far away, so many things had changed since then.

„That's tough. For all three of you. I don't believe I'm saying this but I'm glad that she survived all of this. For your sake and for Diane's, well and also for her's I guess."

A smile creeped over Alex's face, she knew how much Piper had suffered because of Nicky but hearing her say that she was glad that her sister was alive was like christmas and easter and birthday together. With cool toy presents, not this boring adult stuff.

Alex rolled around, grinning at her beautiful girlfriend. This was the best birthday she had ever had, breakfast with her family and her girlfriend without Nicky and Piper scratching out each other's eyes and then just lie here, with the girl of her dreams, talking and staring into the sun.

„I love you, you know that?"

„I know." Piper grinned back at her, she knew exactly how to get to her by now.

„Hey, I don't say that to everyone you have to say it back!" Alex scolded her girlfriend, she had been so scared to say those words for such a long time and now she could have written them into the sky.

„I love you too." Piper smiled and their lips met.

„Teenage mutant ninja turtles, for real?" Piper teased, when Alex lay back on the gorund again, using Piper's stomach as a pillow, an uncomfortable bony pillow. „That is so gay!"

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 **This chapter is set months after the last chapter of Tastes like gall and there will probably be chapter(s) set between those two.**

 **So I know this is kind of a spoiler but I thought after the cliffhanger of Tastes like gall, you deserve to know, Vauseman ... still endgame.**

 **XXX**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alex's POV of chapter 5**

Alex crossed the dark space that followed the short hallway behind the row of lockers. She was heading towards the door on the left wall that you could barely see cross the windowless hall. Alex was feeling nervous and scared, she was just about to expose her spot, that already felt like it was a part of her after all these hours she had spent in there. This was a bad idea, but it was too late to back out again.

She reached the door, she would have been able to find it at three in the morning, drunk and stoned at the same time.  
Alex opened the door for Piper and closed it behind herself again, they were now standing incredibly close to each other, because the space behind this door was pretty small. Alex could feel her heart beat in her chest and she was sure Piper must be able to feel it, too.  
When she reached across Piper to turn on the light, her hand brushed Piper's soft skin and she felt like going insane, she had to get away from this closeness before she would do something stupid, so she swung herself over the wooden wall before the light was even on, to get some space between her and the blonde.

"It is some kind of safeplace" Alex said, when they had reached the upper end of the long stairs, she felt like she had to excuse and explain herself.  
Trying to see this room through the eyes of someone who had never seen it before, she only saw this dusty, chaotic attic.  
"I often come here after school when I don't wanna go home"

Alex let herself fall on the couch, again bringing some space between herself and this shy beauty who had probably no idea which huge step Alex had just made, letting someone in in here was almost as scary as letting someone into her heart.

Piper had been growing up in a rhich, safe family, how could she ever unterstand that some place like this could offer a shelter for someone like her.  
All of a sudden she felt embarrassed and Piper's sight wasn't improving that feeling. She looked like she was about to run away.

"You're ok?" Alex lay across the couch, her crossed legs hanging down from the one armrest and her ellbows pressed against the other. She was awkwardly swinging her legs to and fro and smiling at Piper, pretending like this whole situation wasn't making her nervous as fuck, she had wanted to be alone with Piper for ages already and now that she were all she was afraid of was ruining it with her obsessed, lovesick feeling for her. She had to keep it cool.

"Hello?" Alex snapped her fingers a few times, when Piper still hadn't reacted to her.

"Ehm. What?" Piper asked, blushing.  
It was really adorable and Alex couldn't help but tease her.  
"You got epilepsy or so?" Alex smirked and Piper's face got an even darker shade of red.

"Cute" Alex stated what she was thinking, but she immediately wanted to kick herself in the ass, was she being too aggressive about this? She tried to not show her insecurities.

Piper sat down on the dusty chair that was facing her, Alex couldn't take her eyes off, she watched every single move Piper made, taking in all of her.  
When Piper closed her eyes Alex was so close, outreaching her hand would have enough to touch her, she wanted to draw her features and it took whatever strength she had to keep her shit together.

"So with what should we start?" Piper seemed to regain her selfcontrol after Alex's plain, dorky flirt attack. And the dark haired girl was a bit disappointed to be honest, she shrugged her shoulders. She didn't want fucking lessons, she wanted Piper. For fuck's sake. She was still a little baked and her mind was wandering off to dangerous filthy pathways. Shit.

"Ok ... Ehm ...What is your worst topic?" Piper got her back to realitiy and her stoned self couldn't manage to deal with this absurd situation, she bent her head backwards breaking out in a full hearted laughter that seemed to take Piper aback for a moment.

"What?" The blonde sounded confused, which was very adorable again.  
Alex needed to get back on track before her face would show off with what kind of thoughts her mind was playing with right now.  
"Better ask what's my best. We're sooner done with that!" Alex tried to be funny and Piper was immediatley honoring her with a grin that made Alex's knees weak.

"Then what's your best?" She asked.

"None! Oh, don't act so shocked" she gazed playfully evil at her tutor when she saw her eyebrows scooping up. But on her lips still lay a layer of a smile, that she seemed to not be able to get rid of. Being here, with her, it was like a dream.  
"How about we start with history? We got a test next week, we could study for that" Piper suggested pragmatically, it was annoying Alex. She didn't want to waste their time together for some random school bullshit, she wanted to learn about Piper, not fucking second world war.  
"What did you get on the last one?" Piper asked.

"An E -." Alex stated (she had only done the first task, and she had gotten all points in that, but then decided to rather start her shift at the Diner early and make some extra cash), before trying to catch Piper in an unattended moment in which she might forget about studying and answer some personal questions instead.  
"You really wanna go to Harvard?" she asked, because she really wanted to know.

"What?" Piper seemed to be caught off guard and so Alex just asked again.

"Do you really wanna go to Harvard?"  
But her hopes were disappointed when Piper kept to hold the walls she had built around her upright.  
"Why do you wanna know?"  
Tear . down . the . walls, tear down the walls, Alex hummed in her head, shrugging her shoulders.

They were silent for a moment, each of them indulged in thought, until out of nowhere Piper said: "Tell me something about you!" Alex was trying to read her mind, to find out who that blonde girl with those blue eyes was and what she was up to.

Alex pulled her knees up from their dangling position and pressed her feet against the armrest instead, she lay on her back and now stared at the ceiling.  
Then she started reciting her so called 'life story', she was one to talk about walls indeed.

"I'm Alex. I'm 17. I'm bad in school. I'm a smoker. What else?" she had been tapping her middle finger against her knee to keep herself calm, she hated to talk about herself. At the same time she tried to play it cool.  
But other than most other people, Piper didn't seem to be satisfied with just the basic facts.

"Tell me something I don't know" Piper tilted her head, placing her cheek on her knees „Anything!"  
It was like a challenge and of course she couldn't resist it.  
"You're cute" she smirked, sitting upright now and she watched Piper's very moves, watched her face turn into a tomato again and started to laugh out loud.

"Real cute!" she said, referring to Piper's red face. „And you definitley don't know that!"  
A statement she was very sure of, despite her weird state of spliffed, lovedrunken mind. And she definitely wanted Piper to know.

"Ha ha!" Piper said, after some heavenly seconds of flirty looks exchanged between them.

"Should we start?" Piper tried to change the subject and bring it back to the reason why they were actually there. Alex was disappointed, her smile disapperaed but then she said herself that there had definitely been a few sparks between them only seconds before and it was a start at least.  
She just had to win her over, but not today. She was already late for her shift and she cursed herself for taking this one today, she wanted more time with the blonde.

"Nope" she stood up from the brown couch and picked up her black backpack from the floor where she had carelessly left it earlier that afternoon. She swung it over her right shoulder, looking in Piper's face and she felt like underneath the confused expression she could read a little bit of anger in those blue eyes.  
Did that mean that she cared?

"Hey, chill!" she said, trying to be not too exited about Piper's pissed looks.  
"We'll study for that stupid test!" she let her arms sink again, pushing her hands into her backpockets. "Just not today, ok? I gotta go. Working." she stated honestly.

"What do you do? Sell drugs?" Piper asked and it sounded like she was only partly joking but Alex still had to laugh. Dealing was more of Nicky's strong suits.

"Yeah totally. For an international drug kartell!" she joked and Piper' smile back was like she was stroking her soul, a place that she shouldn't be able to reach, but she did.

"Tomorrow? Same time, same place?" the tall darkhaired girl suggested and Piper nodded.

Alex really needed to leave now because Piper's smile was turning her into a weak, wobbly disaster and she was afraid that she might fall even harder, fall for that girl, fall into that hopeless dark hole of a straight girl crush.  
She was being tremedously stupid.

The first thing Nicky had said to her after Alex had come out was an actually great advice: 'Al, never fall in love with a straight girl. They always fuck you over!'  
And Alex had sticked to that by just never falling in love ever. She had fooled around with a bunchload of girls that she hadn't seen before and won't see anymore. Just once had she made the mistake to fuck somebody she knew and Tricia had become even more unbearable ever since, not only trying to get Nicky's but also Alex's attention.  
And now? Now she was being even more of an idiot.

"Alex!" someone snapped their finger in front of her face. "Seriously girl, what's wrong with you today huh?" her boss, a gorgeous tall brunette, looked at her like she wasn't sure if Alex was having a seizure. She had been standing behind the counter, staring into nowhere while being totally caught up in her thoughts.  
"Sorry Jess!"she apologized.  
"You're in love or what?" Jessica grinned, they were always a bit flirty with one another ever since Alex started working here a few months ago and if she hadn't known she would regret it, she surely would have laid the 24 year old by now.  
Now she was caught off guard.  
"What? No!" she exclaimed a bit too loud to be convincing. And while everybody in the diner was staring at her, Jess threw her head back and laughed out like she always did. She knew, and if Jess could see it in her face, who else could?  
Fuck, she really had to keep her shit together!

* * *

 **I know I'm taking fucking ages to write and I'm really sorry!**

 **I hope you liked the chapter and I hope you're not bored because you basically know what will happen .**

 **Tell me what you think :)**

 **XX** X


	5. Chapter 5

**Alex's side of Chapter 7-10**

Alex was standing in front of Piper's house, staring up to the windows. She had known Piper's parents were rich, but she had idea how fucking rich. The road they were living in was looking just ridiculously unreal, there were neat gardens where in her neighborhood were only garbage bins that smelled like rotten food, full diapers and piss, because the kids used to pee between the containers while playing instead of running upstairs to the 14th floor and risk being too late and peeing their pants when the fucking elevator was broken again.

She felt uncomfortable, out of place, feeling the neighbor's looks on her ripped jeans and the worn leatherjacket. People like her probably only came here to deliver the paper.

The white fence was just a perversion, there was no single stain on it and it was just a little bit too bright to look normal. Even when she and her family were still living in a better area, owning a little house, they didn't have a fence that white and perfect and the lawn behind it just looked like someone had measured it with a straightedge.

The only grass where she came from was the weed that was sold between the clotheline ropes in the backyards.

The raven haired girl tried to ignore the peroxide blonde housewive that stared at her like she had just climbed off her spaceship and tried to work up the courage to walk up to the house and ring.

She needed to see Piper, needed to know that she didn't blew all her chances with her confession from the day before. The blonde had wrote her a message, telling her she was bailing on her today and Alex was scared that she would bail on her for good, because of what she had told her. She needed to make sure that she wouldn't, plus she really wanted to see her.

It was pathetic, but the day before had been so amazing and beautiful with the blonde that Alex was already missing her after a night of dreaming about nothing but the shy girl.

She smiled at the memory.

 _Alex hadn't thought that being with Piper would ever be so easy, so comfortable, so normal as if they had always been around each other. Being with her in the same room felt so familiar yet so exciting that her heart didn't know if it was suppossed to be relaxed or to pump like crazy shit and it decided to go crazy whenever Piper smiled at her or looked her in the eye._

 _She was well aware of the fact that her arm was only a millimeter away from Piper's shoulder as she outstretched her arm on the back rest of the couch in the prop room, in their prop room. Because after such a short amount of time it already felt like it wasn't her's alone anymore and she was oddly okay with that._

 _Piper hadn't said a word for a few seconds while Alex tried to avoid to answer why she was really taking tutoring lessons. There were two truths, the one she knew was true and the one she still tried to convince herself was also a factor in that decision._

 _Alex bumped her fist against Piper's shoulder playfully and she was pretty shocked as the blonde's petit hand closed around her fist in a deadly grip. This girl was way stronger that she looked and Alex found that fucking hot._

 _When Piper boxed her back it actually hurt a bit but that was only fueling her feelings. A strong, sexy and smart girl, well, not that she hadn't wanted her before already, right?_

 _"Oah. You shithead" Alex groaned jokingly and when Piper tried to run away from her, she immediately took up the chase._

 _"Ok you wanted it that way!"_

 _She grinned as she saw Piper running down the stairs, knowing that this was a dead end._

 _Alex smirked down at the gorgeous girl, crossed her arms in front of her chest and tried to use her sexiest voice._

 _"You didn't really think you could escape the great Alex Vause, did you?"_

 _For a second she was afraid that she might scare Piper, a manhunt was probably nothing that the blonde found really amusing but she immeadiately relaxed again as she saw Piper grinning back at her, as she was walking down towards her step by step._

 _"You know you would be more threatening without these socks. They are too cute!"_

 _'_ OH. MY. GOD. _' Alex thought '_ Is she really flirting with me. Okay, keep it cool Vause _'_

 _"Shithead!" Alex shook her head '_ Great Alex, great comeback, weirdo _!'_

 _"Yeah. You mentioned that before! I've been called way worse!" Piper said and Alex immediately felt bad. She knew Nicky was an asshole. And she knew she would kill her if Nicky fucked this up for her._

 _Just as she finished that thought she saw Piper making a move. The skinny girl grabbed the upper edge of the wooden wall behind her, trying to pull herself up. The game was still on an Alex had no intention of making Nicky ruin this moment._

 _She grabbed the blonde's waist, her heart immediately starting to race like stupid._

 _Pulling on Piper she tried to get her down, enjoying the closeness between them, savoring this touch, when Piper suddenly let go of the wall._

 _Suddenly withouth the resistence of her adversary, she stumbled and fell backwards._

 _She hit the stairs hard and she groaned from the pain when Piper landed on top of her, pressing the step further against her back._

 _A sudden motion from Piper caused her to suddenly lie face to face on top of Alex. Alex hadn't let go of Piper's waist, instead she had just unintendedly grabbed onto it to shield herseld from the pain shooting through her neck._

 _"You ok?" Piper asked, worry in her voice and Alex couldn't answer right away. Partly because the impact had pressed all the air out of her lungs but mostly because having a girl lying on top of her usually made her heartbeat go fast, and with this one lying on top of her it became nearly too fast to keep breathing._

„ _I'd say, I'd be better without you lying on top of me, but that would actually be a lie!" she said, going for a smooth comeback to this situation but Piper didn't even seem to listen._

 _She actually had her eyes closed and was breathing heavily, so Alex thought maybe she was hurt. She could feel the movements of her breasts and she really had to keep herself together._

 _"Are you ok?" she asked, really worried._

 _Piper stood up and the sudden loss of her warm body on top of her made Alex immediately feel cold and disappointed. She wanted this moment back._

 _"I think I've got a splinter!" Piper said while examining her hand._

 _Alex had climbed to her feet already and was now taking the blonde's hand between her own tenderly. They were still incredibly close to each other and the tingleing in Alex's stomach refused to stop. She tried to examine Piper's hand but she barely could see anything._

 _"Shit!" she stated "It's too dark down here"_

 _She took Piper at the wrist and pulled her up the stairs behind her._

 _A_ lex remembered their closeness when she had examined Piper's hand. The whole time her heart had been racing and as she touched Piper's face to comfort the hurting girl, she knew that what she was feeling was more than a crush. She wanted to be with that girl so badly, qanted to be able to touch her like this whenever she wanted and that meant she had to be honest with her.

Even now Alex still felt Piper's soft skins under her fingertips and she could almost smell her scent as she placed them on her lips.

She had been scared in her life millions and millions of times. And so she knew what being scared for a person meant, it meant that this peron had the power to crush you.

And right now she was really scared for Piper, or maybe she was only scared for her pathetic little self. Scared that after all Piper would just never be with her.

She had never been a very honest person and it still amazed her how okay she had been with telling Piper about her family situation.

„ _Tell me now why you need tutoring, and leave it with your flirty little play games, girl!" Piper teased and Alex was more than surprised to be honest, she had never seen the blonde like this, bold, confident and she really liked that side of her._

 _She let herself fall next to Piper, sprawling across the couch like she always did at home, because here with Piper she almost felt at home._

„ _Cocky!" she grinned._

 _Piper turned around on the sofa and faced Alex. The blonde crossed her legs, and layed them on top of Alex's feet. She was not sure if that was intended but she wasn't planning on protesting, her feet had gotten a little cold and the warmth of Piper's body was like the sun on an cool october day. It kind of felt like they had known each other for ever._

„ _So why do you have bad grades?" Piper asked her „I mean you seem so smart and you know all this stuff!"_

 _Alex wasn't sure how to answer that, not because she was ashamed or because she didn't want to tell Piper. She did. She just wasn't sure how to explain it._

„ _Well" she said „I just, I don't know. I don't see any sense in having good grades"_

 _It was weird how normal this felt. She had never been close to anyone but her sister or her mother, had never shared her secrets with anyone and now she just sat there, touching the other girl casually and was completely ready to tell her about herself._

 _Piper looked like she was trying to process what Alex had said and her forehead crinkled in the most adorable way that a forehead could crinkle._

„ _No. I don't get that. What do you mean with there is no sense?" she said and, to her own surprise, Alex didn't feel offended by that._

 _And with that she had just explained it to her._

 _She told her how they had barely any money, how her mum was working her ass off to get the three of them through the month._

 _How she didn't want her mother to feel obliged to make more money to be able to put her to college. How playing dumb was easier than to convince Diane that she really didn't need to go to college._

 _Only the part where she really wanted to get to know Piper, that part she left out._

 _And she had made her confession, that Nicky, the bully that tormented Piper ever since they hd started high school was her sister._

And now Piper was bailing on her.

She couldn't let that happen and so she walked up towards the ridiculously enormous front door and rang the bell before she could back off again.

It took a while and she already thought that noone was home when the door opened a crack. But she didn't see anyone standing behind it and she was confused for a moment before she lowered her gaze and found the cutest little boy staring at her with wide blue eyes. She immediately knew it had to be Piper's brother, he looked just like her. A miniature version of her.

„Hey you. Who are you?" she kneeled down in front of him, careful to not scare him away.

But the boy didn't look scared at all, he didn't seem to be as shy as his sister.

Instead he cocked his brow in an incredibly cute manner.

„I am Cal. Who are you?"

„I am Alex." she stated and smiled at him, getting a wide smile back.

„I know who you are. You are a friend of Pipes, she said your name in her sleep last night."

Alex was noone to blush normally, but in this very second her head must have been red like a big stop sign.

Thank god the small boy didn't care, instead he took her hand, pulling her inside, up the stairs.

„Piper?" Alex called out as they were in the first floor hallwas, she didn't want to shock Piper completely by just showing up in her room without a warning but Cal dragged on her hand, pulling her forward.

He pulled her towards a big bedroom and again Alex was amazed by the sheer size of the room, how much space can people need?

But her thought was suddenly interrupted as Cal opened the bathroom door.

„Piper, there is someone who wants to see you!" Cal smiled over the whole face, and Alex didn't know where to look. Piper was completely naked and Alex couldn't take her eyes off, she knew she should look away but her gaze was magnetically drawn towards the stunning body in front of her.

The little blonde guy seemed to feel that this wasn't going to be comfortable and he fastly turned around and toddled off.

„I'm sorry!" Alex stated, but she knew that was only half true. Because even if this was the most awkward situation in her whole life, she knew it would make her bedtime thoughts much more interesting tonight. But it wasn't only that, yes of course a naked woman would always do it for her, but it was the pure beauty of this girl that made her heart skip a beat.

Everything about her was perfect, even though she was a bit too skinny and her rips were peeking out a little too much, even though her wet hair was ruffled and there were old tiny bright stretch marks on her stomach, she was perfect. Never had she seen something so perfect.

And it felt like she was robbed of something when Piper wrapped a towel around herself.

Only then she realized how she had been staring at her. Piper must think she was a total perv.

„I'm sorry." Alex repeated, trying to take her gaze off the blonde.

„I'll wait for you outside" she mumbled before leaving the bathroom with a last look on Piper's body.

Alex sat down on Piper's ridiculously large bed, she couldn't imagine what it was like to sleep in this. Her own bed was small, hard and the wood was chopped at the edge, she would never lie in such a bed, especially since she had ruined every chance with Piper with her perving .

Piper passed through the room in her towel, avoiding to look at her and Alex couldn't have felt more embarassed.

It felt like hours, uncomfortable, awkward hours until Piper came back out the bathroom, now fully dressed, her arms crossed over her chest, as if she wanted to shield herself from Alex's looks.

„Why are you here?" she scoffed.

„Your brother let me in. Cute boy." Alex stated, staring at her own knees. While she hadn't been able to stop staring at Piper earlier, she now avoided even looking in her direction.

„Listen, I'm sorry for crashing in like this. I should have knocked. I didn't expect to find you..."

she coughed, blushing, preferring not to end her sentence.

„Where is Cal?" the blonde asked and Alex pointed her finger towards the door.

Alex wanted to smash her head against the bedside table, she was such a tremendous fool.

Again it took ages for Piper to get back and Alex felt like, if she were a person who usually cried, she would cry now.

"Alex, why are you here?" Piper asked again, when she got back, sounding really pissed off. She leant against her drawer, arms crossed and Alex felt like she was about to die from embarassment. But she needed to do this.

"You wrote that you wouldn't come to tutoring!" she said, knowing that it wouldn't explain her stalkerish behaviour, but she didn't know what else to say. Piper didn't say anything either and after a while, Alex just couldn't stand it anymore.

"Piper? Is it because of Nicky?"

She stood up from the bed when the blonde didn't answer. And as she was standing so close to her she just had to take the risk, she took both of Piper's hands in her's, carefully to not hurt her where she had operated on her only yesterday. It didn't take more to immediately feel the closeness to her again and tender feelings washed all over her again, making her to want to kiss her.

But she didn't dare. She felt so vulnerable right now and it was a strange feeling and it was strange that it didn't felt all bad.

„Pipes." Alex whispered, the nickname coming out of her mouth all naturally, brought there by the sudden closeness between them.

Alex looked her in the eye „Pipes? Is it because of Nicky? I mean I know you two don't like each other!"

Suddenly Piper ripped her hands out of her's, bringing cold distance between them.

„Don't like each other? You're kidding right?" her voice was freezing.

„I think it's better if you go now." she muttered under her breath, nearly breaking Alex's heart. She was losing grip to the earth and she didn't know how to handle it, didn't know how to handle her feelings.

„Pipes." she said tenderly once more, but as Piper was still glaring at her with a look that could have killed, she started to get pissed. It wasn't her fucking fault that Piper and Nicky had this stupid nemesis thing going on.

„Listen, Piper, I know this is fucked up but..."

„Piper?" A voice rang through the house and again Piper left her standin there and it was really starting to get to her. How dare she let her stand here like a fool, who did she think she was. Yeah, Alex wanted her, but she wasn't going to lose all her dignity to some girl, was she?

Of course she was, she already had. And for a second Alex considered leaving, getting her ass out of here before this girl would crush her completely.

Just as she had decided to make a smooth escape, Piper stumbled back in, letting herself fall down on the bed. She looked exhausted and Alex immediately felt sorry for wanting to disappear on her.

„You ok?" Alex asked as she sat down beside her, carefully stroking up and down her arm. She was afraid Piper would push her away, but as she saw tears rolling down Piper's face, she just decided to screw her fucking dignity.

„Pipes?" Alex leaned down to her. „Pipes what's wrong?"

She felt Piper cuddle up against her and wrapped her arms around her, nearly naturally, like they had done this a million times before. Piper didn't answer and Alex didn't ask again, instead she just held her in her arms and wished that this moment would never end.

The warm body so close against her's felt like home, it felt like she belonged somewhere. Never had she felt like this, never had she been anything but the sister of the sick child, the one that was in the way, the one there was no time for, the one that just shouldn't have been born, never had she felt like she belonged. Of course her mother had always showed her love, but there was always that little sting inside her when she heard the sadness ring through these words, as if loving her was a burden.

But right now, she just felt complete and she could have died like this, lying here, watching Piper sleep in her arms.

* * *

 **I know I am taking ages lately, I'm sorry, I've just been so busy with the oneshot first and then I got kinda lazy :(**

 **XXX**


	6. Chapter 6

When Alex came home that night, Nicky and Diane were fighting in the kitchen. Alex hated seeing the two of them fighting, hated conflict in general. She sat down on the bed in her room, her previously happy feelings and the butterflies in her stomach turned into a cold, hard stone inside her chest, making her almost suffocate.

She could hear every single word, that was yelled on the other side of that paperthin wall and not even her hands over her ears could block out the voices.

„Oh, come on Nicole! You can't tell me that you are completely innocent. Don't you think I know you? Tell me what happened!" her mum's voice was drowning in anger and Alex could hear the disappointment in her voice, but also the pain in Nicky's when she started to talk. She knew exactly what this was about.

„Why do you even aks? It's not like you would believe me anyways!" her sister yelled.

„Oh try me!"

Alex wanted to close her eyes, shut out the voices of her family, shut out the problem that seemed to follow her like a trained dog. She knew it, she was the only one who knew exactly what happened but she was also the one who knew that Nicky would kill her if she told.

Nicky was vulnerable, she had always been and it devastated Alex to see how coldhearted this steal armour that she had built around herself had made her. She was a bitch, Alex was very aware of that but now that she was sitting here, listening to the tearful voice of her sister as she was trying to hide the pain and shame she just felt like hugging her, her little big sister.

And at the same time she wanted to suffocate her, for being so stubborn and so ridiculously proud.

It was two weeks ago when Alex had visited Nicky at her workplace and she had to watch her fucking boss treat her like shit all day. Nicky was an easy target. Most people weren't aware of that, people who saw her in school never saw her weak and fragile, but she was. In situations where she couldn't go around attacking people to prevent them attacking her she was just a child, too small, too weak. She had only one strength and that was her hardass assholeness. But around her boss she looked so small that it teared Alex's heart apart. She had been the one who told Nicky to kick the sucker in the ass because she couldn't stand watching him treating her like shit.

„Nicole, we need that money. I hate to say it but we can't afford you screwing everything up." Diane just yelled and Alex couldn't stand it anymore, she jumped off her bed. Only an hour ago she had been lying in a bed with the girl of her dreams in her arms and she had felt like there was nothing bad in the world, now she asked herself how she could have been so naive. This was still her life after all.

She stormed out of her room and if looks could kill she wasn't sure which one would've had cut deeper.

„Mum, stopp, it wasn't Nicky's fault, ok?"

„Alex!" Nicky threw her a death glare that said: shut up or I'll rip your eyelashes out, one by one.

„Oh so you know everything about that?" Diane sighed, letting herself sink on the wobbly wooden chair that looked like it had barely survived second World War.

„Care to share your knowledge with me?" her voice was frosty and she looked so unspeakably exhausted and at least 10 years older than she was.

„Her boss was an asshole, mum, okay? He treated her like shit and it was my fault she got fired!" the words nearly fell out of her mouth, fast enough so that Nicky had no chance to stop them.

„Alex, shut the fuck up now." Nicky hissed and Diane was too tired to discipline her, it seemed.

She still could feel the teeth against her fist when she closed her eyes. The sound had been awful when one of it cracked under her punch and his warm blood had run down the side of her hand, mingleing with her own from where his teeth had ripped open her skin. She still hoped that the asshole had at least been disease free. She didn't even want to think it through.

„Stay out of it." Nicky nearly begged.

She had managed to stopp her boss from filing against Alex by theatening to expose that he was employing minors in a bar, but he had still fired her without the wage for the last month. Money that they really had needed for the broken washing mashine.

Sighing, Alex shook her head and grabbed for her jacket.

She felt like betraying herself. Betraying her sister, betraying Piper. She wasn't sure if the feelings she had for Piper were mutual, she didn't dare to hope so and she knew it was wrong wishing for it. She knew that she could never be a girlfriend, could never give enough to make the girl as happy as she deserved to be. And she was sure that if Nicky ever found out about her feelings for the blonde and how she tried to get closer to her, she would never forgive her. Alex was all Nicky had, the only one she trusted, who had never lied to her before.

The raven haired girl strolled through the neighborhood, not wanting to go home before she was sure the rest of the family was asleep. Her mother's disappointment and her sister's stupid pride had hollowed her out and she could barely feel the cold air hitting her skin while the wind creeped under her short jacket and up her spine, giving her goosepumps all over and making her shiver unconsciously.

There were no neat gardens, no friendly houses, just cold, bitter poorness oozing out of every dark corner and it left her longing. Longing for her old life, for a time when her life had been less marked by loss and disease, longing for the warm embrace of a human touch that told about love and comfort instead of loneliness and misery.

She really was wallowing in self-pity.

Alex couldn't recall how she had gotten home, but she had eventually and after an awful weekend, she was now staring at the ceiling, considering to skip class and just stay here in the puddle of her self-pity.

Even the thought of seeing Piper barely got her out of bed and when she finally managed to carry herself into the bathroom she felt like she hadn't been sleeping in days.

Nicky was the reason why she still decided to leave the house and go to school. She hadn't seen her looking so miserable in a while and she could only imagine how the fight between her mum and sister had went on after her leaving firday night, because the atmosphere was icy ever since.

Aside from her damaged heart there was only one thing that could make Nicky as miserable, her mother's disappointment.

They spent all morning discussing the options for finding a new job without really getting to an end.

She was just tired.

She had spent most of the break standing next to Nicky and the gang, with her nose in her book, even though she could barely focus on the words on the papers. She was just glad that Nicky was at least too down to start mocking other people and that she was taking all her energy to act like everything was fine instead, but she really wasn't in the mood for conversation and socialising, not only because she couldn't stand half of Nicky's friends even half as much as she probably should.

So she was standing there, staring into her book hen suddenly something draw her attention , she wasn't sure what it was, but the second she looked up from the blurr of words that she pretended to read, she saw her. It was like light was shining out of her eyes and she wanted to just stare at her, take in that beauty that noone else seemed to be aware of. But Nicky was still a ticking time bomb, no matter how down she was, no matter how harmless she seemed to be these rare minutes, you never knew when that could change and Alex didn't want her to go ape. It was better if she didn't notice her devouring that blonde with her eyes and so she pretended not to see her. Even though it broke her heart when she saw her walking away out of the corner of her eye.

* * *

„Al?"

Nicky was staring at her as if she was worried she might have gone mental.

„Are you even listening or what?"

To be honest, she hadn't been listening, instead she had stared at the clock on the wall behind Nicky's head as they were standing in an abandoned school hall after the last lesson, almost begging the time to go slower. She was late already and her pulse was running as fast as the time as she feared that Piper might have left already.

„Look Nicky, we'll find a way, ok. We'll find a new job for you and until then I'll just take on some extra shifts." she just wanted to get this conversation over with.

„Great. So you can be the favourite daughter once more." Nicky grunted. Alex shook her head, biting down on her bottom lip and swallowing hard on the words that threatened to come out of her mouth. Never, ever had she been the favourite daughter for a single second of her life, she had been the healthy daughter, the strong daughter, the responsible daughter, the daughter that had to make sacrifices. But she had never been the favourite.

When she didn't answer Nicky let out a deep sigh.

„Well, see you tonight. I'm gonna meet Mercy in town." she surely was gonna get drunk and high.

For a second Alex wasn't sure if she should follow her, make sure she didn't get completely fucked, but then she decided that Nicky would probably not listen to her anyway.

Instead she hurried towards the attic, hoping, nearly praying that Piper would still be there.

The moment she saw her sitting there, waiting for noone but her, it was like the light and warmth was returning to her heart, that she only felt now had been as good as frozen these past days.

And she felt her lips starting to smile, but the smile vanished at the sight of Piper's angry face.

„Sorry Pipes." Alex really was sorry, she could only imagine what Piper had to be thinking, after her being late for over half an hour and when Piper averted her gaze, hurt in her eyes, Alex wanted to slap herself.

„Ok so you're mad because I'm late, right?" Alex sighed.

She couldn't stand Piper not looking at her and when Piper grunted an unconvincing „No"

Alex couldn't help but sigh again „You ARE mad."

„As if you would care" Piper whispered and Alex suddenly got surprisingly pissed. She had had an awful weekend, had been trying to balance her feelings for Piper and her loyalty to her sister and the family trouble and she was doing everything she could to make everything right, even though she knew it was as good as impossible.

„What's that supposed to mean?" her voice came out pissier than she had intended to.

When Piper finally turned towards her Alex kind of hoped she would turn away again because the look she threw her was cutting right into her heart.

„Actually I'm surprised you even recognized me, didn't seem like you remembered me earlier." gosh, she sounded mad.

„What?" in that second Alex's jaw dropped open and it took a few seconds until enlightenment hit her like a broken street lamp.

„You're not really mad at me because I didn't say hello to you in the hallway, are you?" She didn't believe it, she couldn't believe that after everything Piper was really mad at her for trying to protect her. What more was she suppossed to do? What more did she expect from her?

She jumped to her feet.

„For fuck's sake, Piper. What the fuck do you expect me to do?" she started walking up and down the room, the wooden planks creaking under her feet.

„What do you want? That I say hello to you whereever I see you? Hold your hand no matter who's around?" she was nearly screaming right now, but more angry at herself than at Piper. „Aren't things bad enough? Do you really need Nicky to get more reasons to torture you? Like really?" she paused her wandering through the room, now standing right in front a sunk down Piper.

„Fuck. Then I could just as well bring her up here every fucking break, ratting out your hiding place. Do you really want her to notice you any time you walk past us?"

The second those words had exited her mouth she realized what a pathetic asshole she was. Yelling at Piper, yelling at the one person that was least guilty for the this messed up shit.

„No." Piper whispered, tears dwelling in her eyes. It nearly broke Alex's heart. „But I want you to notice me."

„I do notice you." Alex whispered back at her, when what she really wanted to say was I love you. Words she would never say to anyone again. But it meant the same. She kneeled down in front of her

„I do notice you, I always did!" she breathed. I love you, she thought.

And then Alex took Piper's face between her hands, wiping away the teardrops that lingered on her cheeks with her thumbs. She looked into Piper's eyes, trying to read her soul.

Could this really be happening? She had dreamed about this for months, dreamed about that eyes, that lips, dreamed about being so close to her and now she finally was.

She braced her thumb over Piper's soft lip, wallowing in that moment in which nothing else seemed to matter. She pulled her a little bit closer until their lips finally met in a single soft touch.

Piper pressed her body against Alex's, scooping her hands up into Alex's hair.

And Alex felt like the world under her feet was moving faster, while the time suddenly stood still.

Never before had she been so scared.

Scared that all of this might only be a dream.


End file.
